Yes led,
I'm back. That's bloody right you bleedin bastards! Big balls is back and he's bigger than Brandenburg!
OK, maybe I didn't quite think that alliteration all the way through but the point remains the same; this blog is up and running again. For a while.
Let me excuse myself and explain why I completely failed to keep this a regular thing. Quite simply, it's because I had nothing to write about. Pure and simple. Now, however, shit has started getting kicked up again and I'm ready to splurge my word-vomit all over your greasy faces (no offence to my 8 followers, though (who are less greasy but only by a tiny bit)).*
So what's happened? Well life has been full of fuck-ups, fuck-downs, coming-at-me-from-every-general-direction-fucks and yet none of the actual fucks that a healthy and boisterous young fellah like me should supposedly get in every 80s college movie.
That was vague as hell and I suppose it hasn't actually told you anything. It was also really vulgar. Sorry. People probably won't read this to get sworn at. No, they would read to nosey in on my life as I slowly but surely fail to get into the TV industry!
Yep! I'm back at where I started! I'm still trying to break into the industry and you're going to be clued in on every detail. Every. Fucking. Detail.
<3 minute piss break>. The next post will be informative, I promise. It'll contain shit about my graduation, any work done, stuff I have planned to do and a <thigh scratch> document of my CV for you to print off and hand to absolutely everyone you know.
I've just become aware all of that sounds boring as shit. But this is Ireland, baby. This is the land of <soft fart> gold and leprichauns where anything can happen!
TOODLES!
<Itchy left wrist>
*I'm proud of that double-bracket action.
Wednesday, 27 July 2011
Wednesday, 25 May 2011
Blog? HOLY SHIT!
I completely forgot about this thing.
You see, like, my course is over. You know?So that
means t(h)at I don't ahve to worry about adult life anymore man. Free money?
Course os over. done with. fuck writing assignment and all that. aPparntly gonna have to work for a living now but its like half 6 in the morning so I couldn't give two whole bollockses.
Heres a fuckin cube
fucken LOOK AT IT
On a more serious note, here is the website for the vampire film for what I wrote:
Honestly, this film is really good. Great kudos to all involved.
I feel like being sarcastic again because it's the end of the post. But why? Are you expecting some sort of final joke? Some sort of self depreciation that makes you feel good about yourself?
No punchline.
Conor. (You better look the fuck out of that full-stop)
You see, like, my course is over. You know?So that
means t(h)at I don't ahve to worry about adult life anymore man. Free money?
Course os over. done with. fuck writing assignment and all that. aPparntly gonna have to work for a living now but its like half 6 in the morning so I couldn't give two whole bollockses.
Heres a fuckin cube
fucken LOOK AT IT
On a more serious note, here is the website for the vampire film for what I wrote:
Honestly, this film is really good. Great kudos to all involved.
I feel like being sarcastic again because it's the end of the post. But why? Are you expecting some sort of final joke? Some sort of self depreciation that makes you feel good about yourself?
No punchline.
Conor. (You better look the fuck out of that full-stop)
Wednesday, 18 May 2011
A Review of 'Enchanted April'
Charmed.
Yes I've gone with a normal title this time. A nice, dignified fucking title with a proper film review to boot. The film is called Enchanted April. Directed by Mike Newell (Four Weddings and a Funeral, Pushing Tin) and released in 1992.
This is typically the kind of film I hate. Just look at the fucking poster. It ticks all of the boxes for films I characteristically despise. It's about four English *tick* women *tick* in the 1920s *tick* taking some quiet *tick* time out from all the men that surround them *tick* by going on holiday in Italy for a month (but I won't tell you which). In addition, this film is set at around about the same time my own country was tearing itself apart in civil war (again). So, you know, this isn't the type of thing that usually appeals to me. I hated Atonement and thought this was in a similar vein, so this film provided me with the opportunity to get a real rant of a review going. Something that would allow you to laugh at me and be all like 'Conor, you so crazay', then laugh, sigh and take quiet pity on me.
And so; yes. I do hate this film. Why? BECAUSE IT'S RUINED MY FUCKING BLOG! THAT'S WHY! I wanted to rant, swear, get annoyed by bad characterisation and be all 'BORING ENGLISH PEOPLE SUCK' but NO! I can't do that! This film is fucking beautiful! It's great! I love it! AND I HATE THE FUCKER.
Ahem. Let me explain.
It's kind of like Hitler. If you were to meet Hitler now you'd be all like, 'What a bastard. I'm gonna mess up this c**t something proper'. But then Hitler greets you with a gentle handshake, a smile, then hopes your mother is well after that cough she had in March. "Oh... uh...it was nothing sinister, Mein Fuhrer, but I'll tell you she sends her finest regards" and then BOOM! You're friends with the Antichrist. If he were my kind of Hitler, we would start to talk about Daft Punk afterwards and he'd say that yes, Discovery is technically their best album but it just doesn't have the raw power of Homework.
That's what exactly what I experienced while watching Enchanted April.
I expected to see a bunch of bored rich people talking about feelings the whole time, and that's what they did! But that's where the film's masterpiece lies. They were indeed people. They weren't film characters that purely spout lines for plot purposes. Each and every character is so well-written and acted that you forget all about stuff like actors, directors and cameras and all that shit writers don't care about. You get the feeling that you're peering into these people's lives. You experience their hopes, their disappointments, the dilemmas, the dreams, the flaws, and it's all packed into 95 sedated minutes that drift you along in truly beautiful surroundings.
I can't recommend this film enough. Just sit back and let it wash over you for the character drama that it is. It's uplifting and, guys, if you show it to your girlfriend she'll totally repay the favour.
Filthy Bastards
Sunday, 15 May 2011
There is No Time For This Shit. Seriously. Why Am I Doing This?
Dzien' dobry!
I have a presentation to do tomorrow at 11.15am. It lasts for half an hour and it's supposed to be about a script that I haven't finished yet. That could be a problem. So instead of doing the wise thing and write the script, I thought I would enhance my portfolio for my Industry Contexts module again! That's because this module is just so damn important. Yep. It's so important they tacked it on in the final months of our course, seemingly at random. They could have prepared us for the industry last year, or in January where we were in pre-production and had one deadline for a little essay. But NO. They chose the academic equivalent of a child playing 'pin the tail on the donkey' and jamming it in the donkey's eye.
This is my fault though. Really. I'm just writing this blog because I can't focus on my script, so fair play on that one. That said, I am actually very confident in my script! Seriously! Look, I'll post some extracts from it now so you can see how fuck-awesome I am.
INT. NATALIE'S CAR. DAY.
Conor
P.S. Tomorrow I will review 'Enchanted April'.
I have a presentation to do tomorrow at 11.15am. It lasts for half an hour and it's supposed to be about a script that I haven't finished yet. That could be a problem. So instead of doing the wise thing and write the script, I thought I would enhance my portfolio for my Industry Contexts module again! That's because this module is just so damn important. Yep. It's so important they tacked it on in the final months of our course, seemingly at random. They could have prepared us for the industry last year, or in January where we were in pre-production and had one deadline for a little essay. But NO. They chose the academic equivalent of a child playing 'pin the tail on the donkey' and jamming it in the donkey's eye.
Pictured: BA (Hons) Film & Moving Image Production
This is my fault though. Really. I'm just writing this blog because I can't focus on my script, so fair play on that one. That said, I am actually very confident in my script! Seriously! Look, I'll post some extracts from it now so you can see how fuck-awesome I am.
______Extract 1______
INT. NATALIE'S CAR. DAY.
BARAK OBAMA (O.S.)
What the hell are you on about?
Natalie shouts through the passenger window.
NATALIE
Ignore him! Sorry! He’s delusional!
BARAK OBAMA (O.S.)
He’s a knob!
Natalie rolls the window up. Luke smirks.
NATALIE
You idiot! Luke he was ready to punch you!
LUKE
No one punches the Head of Ethnic Relations in Northern Ireland.
______________
Ya see? DO YA SEE WHAT I MEAN? I am writing genius shit like this and then apparently I have to worry about a getting a job after? Ha! I wouldn't be surprised if Harvey Weinstein rings me up and offers me a job in five minutes.
_____Extract 2_____
EXT. PARTY HOUSE. NIGHT.
On his knees, David looks up at Luke towering over him.
LUKE (CONT’D)
Doors are closed, David.
DAVID
Yeah? Well I haven’t ordered a taxi-
BOOM!
David’s brains explode through his face.
The barrel of a smoking gun, Natalie blows the smoke away.
NATALIE
Never get too shit-faced.
__________________
Fuck yeah! Look at that! It's got action movie lines, fucking BRAINS fucking exploding through fucking FACES! Man, I might as well retire now.
_____Extract 3_____
EXT. BUS DEPOT. NIGHT.
Kieran’s jaw is open. Stunned.
HOMELESS MAN #2
Hmph. Well as I was saying, personally I think it’s an issue of politics and not economics.
HOMELESS MAN #1
But the two are so exquisitely entwined. Let me explain.
SHANNON
Here! What are you talking about?
HOMELESS MAN #1
(Sigh)
We’re discussing whether or not the Libyan civil war is an issue of politics or economics. I propose the West is interested in purely monetary concerns while my friend here thinks otherwise.
SHANNON
These issues are never black and white. There’s always a grey area.
_____________
Yeah. You read that right. POLITICS ALL UP IN THIS BITCH. You have action, you have kickassery, but then you also have the wider issues. You see, I am a writer. I want to say something with my art. Every time a punch is thrown or a one liner is said, I'm actually referencing some conflict in the Middle East or somewhere else poor.
In case you're wondering; yes. Those are real excerpts from my script. It all makes sense in context, however. I swear. This is the 2nd draft and a good five drafts away from anything I would deem close to complete, but it's a start!
Conor
P.S. Tomorrow I will review 'Enchanted April'.
Wednesday, 11 May 2011
"Go Further Without Going Far"
Craic lads?
The title for this post comes from a slogan my university uses to promote its post-graduate courses. Some people would call it dumb. Others would say 'holy shit that's retarded'. I think it's a challenge. Some day, and some day soon, I shall plant myself right here in this seat in front of this laptop and see just how far I can get without moving a muscle. I am being serious. I will eat, work, sleep, pee etc. in this one position, all day, and you can marvel at my propulsion up the career ladder as I post the results.
More on that soon. For now, I'd better enlighten you on what I hope to do for a living. I plan to write. The emphasis there is on 'plan'. Maybe I should've put that in italics. OK I will. There. Done.
You see, the biggest part of writing seems to revolve around planning to write. That's how it has been so far for me anyway. It's plan, plan, plan, plan doesn't seem like a word any more, plan, PLAN, am I spelling plan right? Plan... plan. And more planning. Then you fart out a draft that your tutor (if you're lucky to have one) rips to shreds and tells you to do better next time.
To prove to you that I can plan writing effectively, here are some photographs showing me attempting to do real work.
This is a photograph of a plot-curve hastily scribbled in the top right hand corner. If you look carefully, you can see the words 'PENETRATION' and 'CLIMAX' with arrows pointing to where the arc of the 3rd draft should be. I think that was because I had just watched This Morning when Holly Willoughby was on. Anyway, that line that goes up and down is what a plot looks like. Yep. Most films follow that plot line, unless they're done by some artistic prick like David Lynch where the line looks less like that and more like the drawing of a child with tourettes, ADHD and Parkinsons:
Enough of that. I'm getting bored. You can tell I'm bored because of how many god-damn times I wrote 'plan', then I spent 45 minutes making that David Lynch plot curve. To round off, here's a photograph of my actual first draft of the script. I slipped while taking the photograph though, so you'll have to make do with this:
Deal with it.
Conor
The title for this post comes from a slogan my university uses to promote its post-graduate courses. Some people would call it dumb. Others would say 'holy shit that's retarded'. I think it's a challenge. Some day, and some day soon, I shall plant myself right here in this seat in front of this laptop and see just how far I can get without moving a muscle. I am being serious. I will eat, work, sleep, pee etc. in this one position, all day, and you can marvel at my propulsion up the career ladder as I post the results.
More on that soon. For now, I'd better enlighten you on what I hope to do for a living. I plan to write. The emphasis there is on 'plan'. Maybe I should've put that in italics. OK I will. There. Done.
You see, the biggest part of writing seems to revolve around planning to write. That's how it has been so far for me anyway. It's plan, plan, plan, plan doesn't seem like a word any more, plan, PLAN, am I spelling plan right? Plan... plan. And more planning. Then you fart out a draft that your tutor (if you're lucky to have one) rips to shreds and tells you to do better next time.
To prove to you that I can plan writing effectively, here are some photographs showing me attempting to do real work.
This is a photograph of a plot-curve hastily scribbled in the top right hand corner. If you look carefully, you can see the words 'PENETRATION' and 'CLIMAX' with arrows pointing to where the arc of the 3rd draft should be. I think that was because I had just watched This Morning when Holly Willoughby was on. Anyway, that line that goes up and down is what a plot looks like. Yep. Most films follow that plot line, unless they're done by some artistic prick like David Lynch where the line looks less like that and more like the drawing of a child with tourettes, ADHD and Parkinsons:
Enough of that. I'm getting bored. You can tell I'm bored because of how many god-damn times I wrote 'plan', then I spent 45 minutes making that David Lynch plot curve. To round off, here's a photograph of my actual first draft of the script. I slipped while taking the photograph though, so you'll have to make do with this:
Deal with it.
Conor
Tuesday, 10 May 2011
Future Investment and Planning for Previously Mentioned Future
COME AT ME BRO!
Starting this blog has actually made me shit my pants at the prospect of leaving university. It never really hit me that from now on I wouldn’t be able to get that extra free cheeseburger at McDonalds, or that I wouldn’t get free money 3 times a year. Everything has changed since I hit that 'Publish' button yesterday.
Starting this blog has actually made me shit my pants at the prospect of leaving university. It never really hit me that from now on I wouldn’t be able to get that extra free cheeseburger at McDonalds, or that I wouldn’t get free money 3 times a year. Everything has changed since I hit that 'Publish' button yesterday.
So, realising that it’s now me vs. the world I decided on a course of action. Given that this module is all about personal development and forward planning, I did the most mature and professional thing I could possibly do. I identified my strengths and weaknesses, developed a list of goals to achieve, drew up an action plan and oh FUCK IT I PANICKED AND BOUGHT A CAMERA FOR £550!!!
Yes. I did something any normal student would do and forget everything I’ve learned about responsibility. It’s a Canon 550d with an 18-55 mm lens (like I know what the fuck that is).
I hope to God it’s this
It was a bit of a rash decision to be fair. My main specialism is not cinematography, nor have I ever used a DSLR camera for longer than five minutes. Mayyyybe this wasn’t the smartest decision I’ve ever made. I also bought it with my student loan money, which technically isn’t mine and is, you know, something I’ll have to pay back in the future.
But you know what? I have a camera now. I have my own camera. This is a good thing. It's a wise investment! You know, film-makers need cameras. They also need scripts. I have all that wrapped up in one swift purchase. Right now, I technically have everything I need to make a movie. So there's nothing to stop me! I even have Final Draft!
Suck it!
Man, this industry contexts module is easy as balls!
Conor
Monday, 9 May 2011
Watch Me Fail
Boo.
I have to do this blog to prove to my university tutors that I can think ahead for the future. Well, here I am thinking ahead one week before I have to present this blog on hand-in date (Hi Laura).
This is supposed to be about me showing off my screenwriting skills and preparing for a job after university. But seriously, who the fuck wants an Irish screenwriter? That's a terrible career route.
I'm smarter than this. I got the grades. I read sci-fi. I'm semi-smart. I've written scripts before and I'm currently writing my second draft of a feature film script due in on... Monday. MONDAY?! FUCK! I should totally be working on but no! I'VE got to write a BLOG! Thanks, module 3.2! Is that even the module number? I don't give a shit.
It's tempting to put everything writery I know into this one post to get it over with. However, I'd better drag things out over time and make it at least entertaining for you to observe my demise. I've got another blog I did for a while on a vampire film I wrote. Here it is: http://familyvaluesproduction.blogspot.com/ That was fun to do for a while, until the entire production boiled down to the director and editor sitting in front of a computer screen for hours. Hence the rambling, panicked review of Battle:Los Angeles.
So what can you expect from this one? A lot of writing I hope! Harharhar. But yeah. There's going to be lots of that. I'll do reviews to show that I can write for papers (broaden career aspects), I'll show you photos of shit I've written, I'll write about shit I've written and then I'll tell you some plans for the future. If you stick with me, you'll see whether these plans work or fail. I hope they'll work but I know you want to see them fail, don't you? You sick fuck.
Go away.
Conor
I have to do this blog to prove to my university tutors that I can think ahead for the future. Well, here I am thinking ahead one week before I have to present this blog on hand-in date (Hi Laura).
This is supposed to be about me showing off my screenwriting skills and preparing for a job after university. But seriously, who the fuck wants an Irish screenwriter? That's a terrible career route.
I'm smarter than this. I got the grades. I read sci-fi. I'm semi-smart. I've written scripts before and I'm currently writing my second draft of a feature film script due in on... Monday. MONDAY?! FUCK! I should totally be working on but no! I'VE got to write a BLOG! Thanks, module 3.2! Is that even the module number? I don't give a shit.
It's tempting to put everything writery I know into this one post to get it over with. However, I'd better drag things out over time and make it at least entertaining for you to observe my demise. I've got another blog I did for a while on a vampire film I wrote. Here it is: http://familyvaluesproduction.blogspot.com/ That was fun to do for a while, until the entire production boiled down to the director and editor sitting in front of a computer screen for hours. Hence the rambling, panicked review of Battle:Los Angeles.
So what can you expect from this one? A lot of writing I hope! Harharhar. But yeah. There's going to be lots of that. I'll do reviews to show that I can write for papers (broaden career aspects), I'll show you photos of shit I've written, I'll write about shit I've written and then I'll tell you some plans for the future. If you stick with me, you'll see whether these plans work or fail. I hope they'll work but I know you want to see them fail, don't you? You sick fuck.
Go away.
Conor
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